Remembering what I want

Yeah, I am trying not to make this blog hokey, but I may write about sensitive things that I am not even comfortable putting into words in my own head, sigh.

So....here goes

I have to restrain myself from prefacing many of my thoughts with "this may sound lame, but...". I remind myself that any time I have made a major shift in how I think about a particular issue/belief structure/expectation, I experience resistance, and that "lame" phrase is one of the ways I express that.

That phrase acts as a dismissal of the recognition of the need to change, or my desire for something specific - lessening them somehow.

I have found that - tho it is challenging at first - focusing on what I do want, spending some time each day "experiencing" what - do want (visualizing, imagining, putting myself into a meditative state where I feel as if I ALREADY have what I want & am the way I want to be) I bring those qualities into my life.

The initial hard part is changing the current negative flow of thinking.

Way back when I first started making these changes - and suceeding - I was changing things that were mostly outside of myself, and I was able to leverage some strengths. Now, tho, I am starting to work on some internal very painful things that I can't even say out loud to my own self.

Thinking about saying it blinds me with tears and chokes me.

So, that is my new goal: I will allow myself to say outloud what is holding me back. Then I can start changing how I think.

Whew! G-nite!
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